Wake up ... part 3

"What drug did Retsu give me last night, Kyouraku?" Kyouraku felt awkward and didn't know how to tell his very best friend since he was a teenager that he almost died a couple of hours ago. Ukitake still stared at him with puppy eyes. He could pretty much guess what had happened but he didn't want to assume until he heard the words. Kyouraku remembered all the other times his illness had reached a terribly bad point and how Ukitake was always strong, way stronger than him. So he didn't have as much trouble telling him the bad news, expecting him to react like he always did; calm, worried for others, comfortable, with a fake smile on his face trying to make Kyouraku feel as good as possible. Never thinking about himself.

"The drug Unohana-taicho gave you only relieved the pain, if she wouldn't have given it to you, you could have died. She told me that drug should never be used more than once in a lifetime and that it shouldn't even be used at all." Kyouraku answered sincerely. Kyouraku waited for Ukitake's reaction but got nothing. His expression was blank, neutral, impossible to read. He wasn't, smiling and trying to comfort Kyouraku, no. Nor did he just nod and step away, like he had done when the news was unexpected. Kyouraku got worried. Why wasn't Ukitake saying- doing, anything? As Kyouraku waited and waited, he got more worried.

All of a sudden, Ukitake's expression changed to something Kyouraku didn't think he had ever seen before; anger. And a single word came out of his mouth. A word full of anger, desperation, and sadness.
"Already?" Ukitake stood up from his bed, hands made fists. "Already!?"He yelled to an open-mouthed, speechless Kyouraku. Kyouraku had never seen him like this before.
"Already!!! So damn fast?? Is my stupid body really disintegrating already?! Am I going to die already? It's not fair, it's not normal, it's…It's…I…I'm not ready!"
With each word he spoke, he got more desperate, angrier, and sadder. After all, Ukitake's pretending to be okay had worked. Even though everyone knew his expression of emotions was false, it hid his true feelings and how terrible they were. He still had an angry look on his face, but this time it came with lots of other emotions such as sadness, confusion and disappointment.

It made Kyouraku realize that he, who pretended to be perfectly fine, was actually suffering, bleeding into his heart. And the dam holding back a river of tears had finally broken, and he was crying, and he was screaming. Kyouraku felt like crying himself, leaving, sorrow in a corner of his room. But he couldn't, he shouldn't. For once, he had to be strong for Ukitake, and not the other way around.
Now Ukitake just stood. Crying. He knew…He knew this was going to happen and he could have sworn he was ready, he could have sworn he was going to be strong for others. But he couldn't, he couldn't hold it back any longer. He had been holding it in for over 1000 years. The last time he had cried was when he had figured out he was going to suffer- moreover, die, and thus leaving Kyouraku without a friend, leaving his siblings without a brother, leaving his subordinates without a teacher, leaving his teacher without what was like a son to him; and so on. He knew back then, his suffering would cause others to suffer as well. And back then, that was all he cared about.                                                                                                                                                  But now, he cared for himself for the first time in his life, he was scared from death.
And Kyouraku was glad. It was about time that happened. It was about time he started worrying about himself, stop thinking that much about other's well-being when it was him who needed help, who needed comforting.                                                                                                                                        
Kyouraku stood up and walked towards Ukitake. Realizing this, the pale captain loosened his fists and calmed his crying. Once standing right in front of him, Kyouraku took hold of Ukitake's shoulders and gave him a hug. Ukitake's eyes widened and started to cry even harder, he hid his face in his friend's shoulder and let everything out. He hugged him back. He cried…and he cried…and finally they both fell asleep on the floor. Ukitake promised to himself he wouldn't cry again and he would go happily.